11.16.2007

Why I'm Still Single



Everyone has their dating horror stories, but once you're a single girl in your 30s, those stories seem to get a lot more frequent and a lot worse. If you're married and reading this, let me share the "adventures" you're missing. And when you see a single girl, remember these. It's like that joke: men are like parking spaces, the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
So here's a sample from my soon-to-be-written coffee table dating book:

I dated a guy once and all of the sudden he started having extremely bad body odor. Not just a little B.O…. big time B.O. How do you tell someone they smell like a homeless man crawling out of a dumpster? I bought him a scented shower gel and deodorant as a gift. Still no results. Like the good investigator, I checked his medicine cabinet, and the deodorant was in there. It had never been used.


One year for Valentine's Day in college, my boyfriend of one year bought me the movie 'The Sound of Music' and a back scratcher wrapped in newspaper. How romantic! He made dinner reservations at a place we both really liked. We took off in his piece of junk suburban, and it died on the way. Luckily, we weren't too far from campus. We ended up spending Valentine's Day dinner at the campus cafeteria! He refused to watch the movie with me and of course, he wasn't going to scratch my back, because I had the back scratcher. I was on my own.


I dated a guy once that told me if we were to marry he wanted me sign a contract saying I would never get over a certain weight. WHAT??? What about when I have his babies? My sister suggested I have him sign a contract saying he would always he to make a certain amount of money. Funny idea!


After college I dated a guy named Ronnie. He is a severe mental case! One day I was in a great mood. I called him and said in a chipper voice, "Hi Ronnie, what are you doing Ronnie, how's your day Ronnie?" He responded in a not so chipper voice, "Don't call me by my name." Shocked, I said "What should I call you then?" He said, "I don't care but only assholes (sorry the for bad word, that's what he said) call me by my name." Seriously? He also called me one day and said, "Want to go to a movie, my therapist says I need to get out in public more?"


I went to Cancun with a boyfriend. I got extremely sick one night with sun poisoning and was a nice shade of "lobster red." The boyfriend (he shall remain nameless) took me back to the hotel and left me there and went clubbing until 4:10 AM. My guess is he wasn't dancing alone, and clearly that relationship was left in Mexico.


In my thirties, I dated a guy who in a drunken rage confessed that he not only did drugs, he sold them! Apparently, his drug business wasn't doing so well. We went out to dinner for my birthday and he handed me the check. Classy! He compared his drug problem to my diet coke habit. You cannot be indicted for the possession or selling of diet coke. He also told me to not tell anyone why we were breaking up. He wanted some time to get over his ex-girlfriend (they had been broken up for over a year) and maybe we could get back together. I told him I would not be anyone's second choice.


So, next time you feel the urge to ask someone why they're still single, just remember the choices out there are pretty bad!!!



2 comments:

Lori said...

Yes, clearly I understand after reading this! But HE is out there somewhere, we just have to find him for you!! It's so funny because I have prayed for you in the past!! (mom)
I got married much later than many of my friends and sometimes wondered if I ever would find the right person, so I understand a bit, it's hard waiting though. It's probably so annoying to hear that, just like when people tell me that 'my daughter' is worth waiting for (BUT I WANT HER NOW!!!) But HE is definitely worth waiting for~ you don't want to spend your life with any of THESE guys! :D
And to the guy that wanted you to sign that contract about the weight...what if you did go above a certain weight?!!

annmarie said...

I feel like I know this "Ronnie" you speak of... and if that is true, I agree, I think he's a mental case.

He said to me once, "So you're moving to the North? What... you don't like Southern Hospitality?!"